TUMBLING
G: Tammy
S: Gina
B: Norm
2-ON-2 WOMEN'S VOLLEYBALL
G: Amber (MVP), Crystal
S: Tiffany, Tammy
B: Norm, Doris
3-ON-3 COED VOLLEYBALL
G: Dale (MVP), Crystal, Tammy
S: Tiffany, Amber, Wayne
B: Norm, John, Doris
LEE FINLINSON WEDDING CLASSIC (COED VOLLEYBALL)
G: Wayne (MVP), Dale, Tammy, Tiffany
S: John, Norm, Amber, Spencer, Crystal
B: Doris, Kent, Lee, Paula
MEDAL COUNT
Tammy: 3 golds, 1 silver, 0 bronze = 4 medals (10 medal points)
Crystal: 2 golds, 1 silver, 0 bronze = 3 medals (7 medal points)
Amber: 1 gold, 2 silvers, 0 bronze = 3 medals (7 medal points)
Dale: 2 golds, 0 silver, 0 bronze = 2 medals (6 points)
Norm: 0 golds, 1 silver, 3 bronze = 4 medals (5 medal points)
Wayne: 1 gold, 1 silver, 0 bronze = 2 medals (5 medal points)
Tiffany: 1 gold, 2 silvers, 0 bronze = 3 medals (5 medal points)
Doris: 0 gold, 0 silver, 4 bronze = 4 medals (4 medal points)
Spencer: 0 golds, 1 silver, 0 bronze = 1 medal (2 medal points)
Gina: 0 golds, 1 silver, 0 bronze = 1 medal (2 medal points)
Kent: 0 gold, 0 silver, 1 bronze = 1 medal (1 medal point)
Lee: 0 gold, 0 silver, 1 bronze = 1 medal (1 medal point)
Paula: 0 gold, 0 silver, 1 bronze = 1 medal (1 medal point)
GOLD MEDALS
Tammy 3
Crystal 2
Dale 2
Amber 1
Tiffany 1
Wayne 1
Sunday, March 15, 2009
Friday, May 11, 2007
Contest for the next week: What'll be Ferd's next crime?
What do you think Ferd will be convicted of next?
Post your entries and reasons by May 18 at 5 p.m.
Post your entries and reasons by May 18 at 5 p.m.
Megan Knell reinstated
The lifetime ban of Megan Knell was rescinded when it was found out that she was an assistant coach for the state champion color guard squad. The ban is thus rescinded forever.
Tuesday, April 24, 2007
The Debate: The Current Best Whiffleball Players
1. LEE
I never thought I would even think Lee was the best whiffleball player, but it is hard to argue with his stats or amazing record of walk-off home runs.
2. JOHN
Always an MVP threat, although his numbers seem down.
3. MITCH FREI
Perhaps the best start for a rookie we have ever seen.
4. WAYNE
I'd expect things to normalize this summer to see John and Wayne No. 1 and No. 2.
5. BRIAN KNELL
Decent rookie season has him mentioned as one of the 25 greatest of all-time.
6. DANTE'
His game has improved this year.
7. SPAIN
Too much time working at Gold's Gym and watching Borat have impacted his performance.
8. FURGATORY
Best nickname in the game.
9. NORM
Still great ... even in retirement
I never thought I would even think Lee was the best whiffleball player, but it is hard to argue with his stats or amazing record of walk-off home runs.
2. JOHN
Always an MVP threat, although his numbers seem down.
3. MITCH FREI
Perhaps the best start for a rookie we have ever seen.
4. WAYNE
I'd expect things to normalize this summer to see John and Wayne No. 1 and No. 2.
5. BRIAN KNELL
Decent rookie season has him mentioned as one of the 25 greatest of all-time.
6. DANTE'
His game has improved this year.
7. SPAIN
Too much time working at Gold's Gym and watching Borat have impacted his performance.
8. FURGATORY
Best nickname in the game.
9. NORM
Still great ... even in retirement
Lee's Burning Question: Who is (or are) the greatest wiffleball player(s) ever?
Normally, I don't take suggestions from redheads. But, in this case, I think Lee has a great idea. His question is to ask: Who is the greatest wiffleballer of all-time? We'll hear your answers, and the player with the most votes will win a Finlympic medal.
Here are the candidates, as I see them, ranked in order of who I think are the best:
1. BRANDON
Strengths: By some accounts, particularly those in the Beckstrandian Era, the greatest wiffleballer ever. The Beckstrandian Era is wiffleball's equivalent of the Negro leagues. These pre-Finlinson League of Baseball statistics are not official stats, but it is rumored that Brandon's dominance of the era was unmatched. He's a combination of wiffleball's Satchel Paige and Josh Gibson. Furthermore, Brandon had an epoch career in the FLB as one of its founding members. The Original Dominator, Smoltz was unquestionably the FLB's marquee player of the 1990s.
Weaknesses: Most people don't remember Brandon's prowess, even though Brandon was deservedly the first Wiffleball player enshrined in the Hall of Fame. Still, even his dominant numbers in early Finlian whiffleball history dictate that he take the top spot.
2. JOHN.
Strengths: Realistically, he has the best numbers in whiffleball history, and is a consist triple crown threat. He probably is the best hitter, and he is an above-average pitcher, who can get guys out five innings out of six. But it's that one inning he gets tagged that is problematic.
Weaknesses: In ultracompetitive games (and what games that we play, aren't?), John can ruin the whiffleball experience through constant, heated (often times nonsensical) arguments. In such situations, he can be a difficult teammate, which may explain why John's teams have yet to win the big one, and why that call from Finnytown has never come.
3. WES
Strengths: A hardworking, scrappy team player, who led his team to several Finlinson World Series titles. His blue collar style of play earned Wes the respect of his fellow players, and the admiration of FLB fans, who lobbied for his enshrinement to the Hall of Fame in 1999.
Weaknesses: His game has been in decline in recent years, as family demands have required him to spend less time at Finny Field and more time with Nicole and Skyla.
4. WAYNE
Strengths: Second only John in production in the last five years. He can hit for power and average. He's an average pitcher, but unquesitonably can quiet Dante's bat any time. Elected to the Hall of Ballas in 2002, a sort-of second-string Hall of Fame, along with John and Dale.
Weaknesses: Same as John's. The Hall of Ballas argue that they are better than the Hall of Famers but have yet to show it in head-to-head showdowns with the Hall of Famers.
5. LEE
Strengths: Unquestionably the most dominant whiffleball player in 2007. For the first time, Lee, an All-Star in 2002, is owning the league, which has put his resume above those of Jeff, Dale and even Norm. His longevity and team-oriented style of play also really give his resume a bump.
Weaknesses: His quick start to 2007 may be an aberration. Lee hits slightly above the Finndoza career-wise.
6. JEFF
Strengths: Probably the greatest Finlinson pitcher of all time in that Norm has never got a hit off of him.
Weaknesses: Like Brandon, Jeff was a Beckstrandian Era phenom, whose scant appearances in FLB games make it difficult to make a case for him.
7. NORM
Strengths: A Hall of Famer more for his contributions to the game as commissioner, statkeeper, announcer, commentator and journalist. Won several World Series championships in the 1990s and was the All-Star Game MVP in 2002, after being voted in by the fans.
Weaknesses: Terrible fielder, hitter, pitcher and base runner.
8. L. TOM WHITEHEAD
Strengths: Currently holds the distinction of being the best non-Finlinson ever to play at Finny Field. Whitehead was always reliable: When called to come play, he'd kiss Dixie Whitehead goodbye and hustle down on his 10-speed to Finlinson field. Probably the best fielding third baseman in Finlinson history. Once famously played a game minutes after quarreling with Roger Reid on the phone.
Weaknesses: His notable absence this year will make most fans forget who he is. His decision to choose basketball over whiffleball may be a profitable one, but ultimately, it is a poor one.
9. ANDREW SPAINHOWER
Strengths: Made history to be the first player to ever be seriously injured during the course of a game when he broke his collarbone his rookie season.
Weaknesses: Has never been the same since his injury and has played sparingly in the Bigs. This year may be his first full year of Major League Whiffleball, and this season also looks like it will be cut short.
10. NICK BORROWMAN
Strengths: A good player, who could hit for both power and average. Great fielder as well.
Weaknesses: Played sporadically in his multi-season career.
11. CRYSTAL
Strengths: Largely hailed as the greatest base runner in Finlinson history, back when the little girls where allowed to run as the ghost runners. You could always rely on Crystal make smart decisions on the base paths.
Weaknesses: Has never had an official at-bat in FLB History.
12. DANTE'
Strengths: His guns. Probably the strongest player in FLB history.
Weaknesses: Hits below the Finndoza, average fielder, and prone to the same temperamental behavior as John and Wayne.
13. MITCH FREI
Strengths: Clearly, the best of the rookie class of 2007; he can hit for power and average.
Weaknesses: Average fielder, an unknown quantity as a pitcher.
14. CAMDEN VAN GILDER
Strengths: Didn't cost his team a World Series because he used a banned substance.
Weaknesses: His whole game.
15. DALE
Strengths: Struggled with the Finndoza line early in his career, but in recent years his hitting had a taken a definite step forward.
Weaknesses: Terrible pitcher. Adequate, at best, as a fielder. Seemed more interested in flexing his muscles for Ken Lister's enjoyment (Ken Lister asked me to mention that he hated it and thinks Dale is a scrawny runt) than actually playing the game. Ultimately, Dale falls this far down the list because his Kiwi-Strawberry Shasta problem cost his team the 1999 World Series.
Also on the list ...
16. Brian Knell
17. John Beckstrand
18. Nathan Syphus
19. Tammy Finlinson
20. Furgatory
21. Erika Finlinson
22. Isaac Finlinson
23. Kevin Williams
24. Joey Vincent
25. Amber Finlinson
Here are the candidates, as I see them, ranked in order of who I think are the best:
1. BRANDON
Strengths: By some accounts, particularly those in the Beckstrandian Era, the greatest wiffleballer ever. The Beckstrandian Era is wiffleball's equivalent of the Negro leagues. These pre-Finlinson League of Baseball statistics are not official stats, but it is rumored that Brandon's dominance of the era was unmatched. He's a combination of wiffleball's Satchel Paige and Josh Gibson. Furthermore, Brandon had an epoch career in the FLB as one of its founding members. The Original Dominator, Smoltz was unquestionably the FLB's marquee player of the 1990s.
Weaknesses: Most people don't remember Brandon's prowess, even though Brandon was deservedly the first Wiffleball player enshrined in the Hall of Fame. Still, even his dominant numbers in early Finlian whiffleball history dictate that he take the top spot.
2. JOHN.
Strengths: Realistically, he has the best numbers in whiffleball history, and is a consist triple crown threat. He probably is the best hitter, and he is an above-average pitcher, who can get guys out five innings out of six. But it's that one inning he gets tagged that is problematic.
Weaknesses: In ultracompetitive games (and what games that we play, aren't?), John can ruin the whiffleball experience through constant, heated (often times nonsensical) arguments. In such situations, he can be a difficult teammate, which may explain why John's teams have yet to win the big one, and why that call from Finnytown has never come.
3. WES
Strengths: A hardworking, scrappy team player, who led his team to several Finlinson World Series titles. His blue collar style of play earned Wes the respect of his fellow players, and the admiration of FLB fans, who lobbied for his enshrinement to the Hall of Fame in 1999.
Weaknesses: His game has been in decline in recent years, as family demands have required him to spend less time at Finny Field and more time with Nicole and Skyla.
4. WAYNE
Strengths: Second only John in production in the last five years. He can hit for power and average. He's an average pitcher, but unquesitonably can quiet Dante's bat any time. Elected to the Hall of Ballas in 2002, a sort-of second-string Hall of Fame, along with John and Dale.
Weaknesses: Same as John's. The Hall of Ballas argue that they are better than the Hall of Famers but have yet to show it in head-to-head showdowns with the Hall of Famers.
5. LEE
Strengths: Unquestionably the most dominant whiffleball player in 2007. For the first time, Lee, an All-Star in 2002, is owning the league, which has put his resume above those of Jeff, Dale and even Norm. His longevity and team-oriented style of play also really give his resume a bump.
Weaknesses: His quick start to 2007 may be an aberration. Lee hits slightly above the Finndoza career-wise.
6. JEFF
Strengths: Probably the greatest Finlinson pitcher of all time in that Norm has never got a hit off of him.
Weaknesses: Like Brandon, Jeff was a Beckstrandian Era phenom, whose scant appearances in FLB games make it difficult to make a case for him.
7. NORM
Strengths: A Hall of Famer more for his contributions to the game as commissioner, statkeeper, announcer, commentator and journalist. Won several World Series championships in the 1990s and was the All-Star Game MVP in 2002, after being voted in by the fans.
Weaknesses: Terrible fielder, hitter, pitcher and base runner.
8. L. TOM WHITEHEAD
Strengths: Currently holds the distinction of being the best non-Finlinson ever to play at Finny Field. Whitehead was always reliable: When called to come play, he'd kiss Dixie Whitehead goodbye and hustle down on his 10-speed to Finlinson field. Probably the best fielding third baseman in Finlinson history. Once famously played a game minutes after quarreling with Roger Reid on the phone.
Weaknesses: His notable absence this year will make most fans forget who he is. His decision to choose basketball over whiffleball may be a profitable one, but ultimately, it is a poor one.
9. ANDREW SPAINHOWER
Strengths: Made history to be the first player to ever be seriously injured during the course of a game when he broke his collarbone his rookie season.
Weaknesses: Has never been the same since his injury and has played sparingly in the Bigs. This year may be his first full year of Major League Whiffleball, and this season also looks like it will be cut short.
10. NICK BORROWMAN
Strengths: A good player, who could hit for both power and average. Great fielder as well.
Weaknesses: Played sporadically in his multi-season career.
11. CRYSTAL
Strengths: Largely hailed as the greatest base runner in Finlinson history, back when the little girls where allowed to run as the ghost runners. You could always rely on Crystal make smart decisions on the base paths.
Weaknesses: Has never had an official at-bat in FLB History.
12. DANTE'
Strengths: His guns. Probably the strongest player in FLB history.
Weaknesses: Hits below the Finndoza, average fielder, and prone to the same temperamental behavior as John and Wayne.
13. MITCH FREI
Strengths: Clearly, the best of the rookie class of 2007; he can hit for power and average.
Weaknesses: Average fielder, an unknown quantity as a pitcher.
14. CAMDEN VAN GILDER
Strengths: Didn't cost his team a World Series because he used a banned substance.
Weaknesses: His whole game.
15. DALE
Strengths: Struggled with the Finndoza line early in his career, but in recent years his hitting had a taken a definite step forward.
Weaknesses: Terrible pitcher. Adequate, at best, as a fielder. Seemed more interested in flexing his muscles for Ken Lister's enjoyment (Ken Lister asked me to mention that he hated it and thinks Dale is a scrawny runt) than actually playing the game. Ultimately, Dale falls this far down the list because his Kiwi-Strawberry Shasta problem cost his team the 1999 World Series.
Also on the list ...
16. Brian Knell
17. John Beckstrand
18. Nathan Syphus
19. Tammy Finlinson
20. Furgatory
21. Erika Finlinson
22. Isaac Finlinson
23. Kevin Williams
24. Joey Vincent
25. Amber Finlinson
Monday, April 23, 2007
This week's honorary Finlympian: Jerry Sloan
We know the NBA won't honor him because every freakin' NBA writer couldn't find Utah on a map. But we all know the job Jerry Sloan did and why he deserves to be coach of the Year over Sam Mitchell, who won the weakest division in the NBA; Jeff Van Gundy, who should win with two superstars; and Avery Johnson, who had the Mavericks. It's a joke that Sloan has never won it. NBA writers should be ashamed.
April 23: Jerry Sloan, Finlympics NBA Coach of the Year
April 16: Mark McGwire and Barry Bonds, steroid pioneers
April 9: Bronco Mendenhall, BYU football coach
April 2: Ohio State basketball, Finlympic national champions.
March 26: Rafael Araujo and Dee Brown, Jazz cheerleaders
March 19: Stephen Colbert, "The Colbert Report" host
March 12: Thomas Kun, Hungarian.
March 5: L. Tom Whitehead, Finlympics National JUCO Player of the Year
Feb. 26: Ethan Finlinson
Feb. 19: Mehmet Okur and Carlos Boozer, Jazz All-Stars
Feb. 12: Gordon B. Hinckley, president, The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.
Feb. 5: Steve Young, NFL great
Jan. 28: Ronnie Brewer, Utah Jazz
Jan. 21: Ronald Reagan, greatest president ever
April 23: Jerry Sloan, Finlympics NBA Coach of the Year
April 16: Mark McGwire and Barry Bonds, steroid pioneers
April 9: Bronco Mendenhall, BYU football coach
April 2: Ohio State basketball, Finlympic national champions.
March 26: Rafael Araujo and Dee Brown, Jazz cheerleaders
March 19: Stephen Colbert, "The Colbert Report" host
March 12: Thomas Kun, Hungarian.
March 5: L. Tom Whitehead, Finlympics National JUCO Player of the Year
Feb. 26: Ethan Finlinson
Feb. 19: Mehmet Okur and Carlos Boozer, Jazz All-Stars
Feb. 12: Gordon B. Hinckley, president, The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.
Feb. 5: Steve Young, NFL great
Jan. 28: Ronnie Brewer, Utah Jazz
Jan. 21: Ronald Reagan, greatest president ever
Sunday, April 22, 2007
Identification issue aside, the buttloaf issue is a linguistic one, not a Dante' one
For a few days, an underground notion has began wending its way throughout the Finlympian communication channels. It is this unfounded notion that I wish to address today before this false rumor's attempt at being factual is cemented as an actuality.
I wish to attack the idea that the attempt to ban "buttloaf" is an ad hominem attack on Dante'. In the original conceptualization of the idea to ban the word, the idea focused on the nuisance of the word, not as a way to discount Dante'. My opposition, in totality, to the word buttloaf consists only to the elimination of the word. This is a linguistic issue, not a Dante' issue!
What I failed to realize is how Dante', to use a Burkean term, is identified with the word. To put it another way: To hear the word "buttloaf is to think of Dante'. So exhaustive and complete is the term buttloaf with the name Dante', that the two share a commonality that cannot be divorced from either term. This is not to say that Dante' is a buttloaf, but that buttloaf is Dante's catchphrase; and, as such, the catchphrase has become not just a part of Dante's identity within our group, but the term has become Dante's chief identity within the group. Dante' is not without the buttloaf, and the buttloaf is not without the Dante'.
We saw how this interidentification between Dante' and buttloaf has become so inexonerably linked, and how this link has been made so substantively and with such totatlity that the suggestion to ban the word immediately became linked as an attack on Dante', as evidenced by the postings in the past few days on this Web site:
*One post said, 'If there was no "butloaf" then there would be less of Dante.' This suggests that because the term is soaked in the idea of Dante', then if the term went away, so would Dante'. Clearly, this is a fallacious conclusion. But it reiterates the point that the term buttloaf and Dante' are one; and, in the eyes of this particular poster, this interidentification is so deep, that the elimination of the term is seen as an elimination of the substance of Dante'.
*Tammy wrote: "i think butloaf is about the stupiedest word anyone has come up with probuly becuase dante` came up with it." Thus, Tammy makes the banning of the word personal. She wants it banned because it brings up bad memories of playing Rook with Dante'. This trigger word has become identified, in Tammy's mind, with her negative associations with Dante'; as such, Tammy wants the trigger to be removed, so that she no longer has to think about Dante'.
*The idea that Dante' and Buttloaf have achieved a consubstantial relationship is cemented by Spain's post: "Lets face it, life would not be the same without butloaf. without butloaf, dante would have got on sammy, without butloaf, dale would have never thrown a metal bat at dante's head after losing in the intelligence contest, and without butloaf, the only way to get jeff mad enough to kick you would be to fart on him..... nuff said"
Spain's argument is basically the same as Tammy's in that he agrees that the term "buttloaf" is a trigger word, triggering memories of his interactions with Dante'. The difference comes in how Spain perceives these interactions, as Spain categorizes these interactions with Dante' as positive. Hearing the word "buttloaf" brings about an endearment toward Dante in Spain's mind.
Please note: My original article and subsequent first post made no mention of Dante', yet all subsequent posts have brought Dante' into the fray. In a way, absorbing Dante' into the argument at first struck me as an unnecessary, but now as I unravel how buttloaf has become mainstreamed as Danteian term, I see that this is a necessary evil.
I think the above post, as demonstrated in the Burkean analysis that I have offered here, show a clear, unmistakeable link between Dante' and the word buttloaf in the minds of most who are familiar with both.
Thus, one may assume that the attempt to shed the word buttloaf is an attempt to shed Dante'. This, however, is not so. Rather, this is an invitation for Dante' to find a new word, a new catchphrase, a new, more mature identity.
The word "buttloaf" has been good to me over the years, from the flapping of the arms to the Sconecutter incident of '04. But like high school, Ty Detmer's time at BYU, Dixie College, and getting on a hot blonde chick every day for a year of my life, all good things must sometime come to an end. All catchphrases eventually expire because they wear out their welcome. Just look at the world of advertising: "Fake the funk on a nasty dunk" eventually died out, as did the "Where's the beef?" lady, "These aren't Folgers crystals," the Swedish bikini team, "I love you, man!" and "Hit hard! Hit Lee! Hit Lee in the nards!" Lee is no longer Goo. Dale is no longer the Dizzy Devil. I am now more Sledgehammer than Norm. Things change because times change. Even the Energize bunny has quit going. Just as Disco wore out its welcome in the '70s, Buttloaf has worn out its welcome now.
This is not a Dante' issue; it's a linguistic invitation. It's the invitation to replace the past with a more glorious future; it's an invitation to not let yesterday stagnate today and stall tomorrow.
I wish to attack the idea that the attempt to ban "buttloaf" is an ad hominem attack on Dante'. In the original conceptualization of the idea to ban the word, the idea focused on the nuisance of the word, not as a way to discount Dante'. My opposition, in totality, to the word buttloaf consists only to the elimination of the word. This is a linguistic issue, not a Dante' issue!
What I failed to realize is how Dante', to use a Burkean term, is identified with the word. To put it another way: To hear the word "buttloaf is to think of Dante'. So exhaustive and complete is the term buttloaf with the name Dante', that the two share a commonality that cannot be divorced from either term. This is not to say that Dante' is a buttloaf, but that buttloaf is Dante's catchphrase; and, as such, the catchphrase has become not just a part of Dante's identity within our group, but the term has become Dante's chief identity within the group. Dante' is not without the buttloaf, and the buttloaf is not without the Dante'.
We saw how this interidentification between Dante' and buttloaf has become so inexonerably linked, and how this link has been made so substantively and with such totatlity that the suggestion to ban the word immediately became linked as an attack on Dante', as evidenced by the postings in the past few days on this Web site:
*One post said, 'If there was no "butloaf" then there would be less of Dante.' This suggests that because the term is soaked in the idea of Dante', then if the term went away, so would Dante'. Clearly, this is a fallacious conclusion. But it reiterates the point that the term buttloaf and Dante' are one; and, in the eyes of this particular poster, this interidentification is so deep, that the elimination of the term is seen as an elimination of the substance of Dante'.
*Tammy wrote: "i think butloaf is about the stupiedest word anyone has come up with probuly becuase dante` came up with it." Thus, Tammy makes the banning of the word personal. She wants it banned because it brings up bad memories of playing Rook with Dante'. This trigger word has become identified, in Tammy's mind, with her negative associations with Dante'; as such, Tammy wants the trigger to be removed, so that she no longer has to think about Dante'.
*The idea that Dante' and Buttloaf have achieved a consubstantial relationship is cemented by Spain's post: "Lets face it, life would not be the same without butloaf. without butloaf, dante would have got on sammy, without butloaf, dale would have never thrown a metal bat at dante's head after losing in the intelligence contest, and without butloaf, the only way to get jeff mad enough to kick you would be to fart on him..... nuff said"
Spain's argument is basically the same as Tammy's in that he agrees that the term "buttloaf" is a trigger word, triggering memories of his interactions with Dante'. The difference comes in how Spain perceives these interactions, as Spain categorizes these interactions with Dante' as positive. Hearing the word "buttloaf" brings about an endearment toward Dante in Spain's mind.
Please note: My original article and subsequent first post made no mention of Dante', yet all subsequent posts have brought Dante' into the fray. In a way, absorbing Dante' into the argument at first struck me as an unnecessary, but now as I unravel how buttloaf has become mainstreamed as Danteian term, I see that this is a necessary evil.
I think the above post, as demonstrated in the Burkean analysis that I have offered here, show a clear, unmistakeable link between Dante' and the word buttloaf in the minds of most who are familiar with both.
Thus, one may assume that the attempt to shed the word buttloaf is an attempt to shed Dante'. This, however, is not so. Rather, this is an invitation for Dante' to find a new word, a new catchphrase, a new, more mature identity.
The word "buttloaf" has been good to me over the years, from the flapping of the arms to the Sconecutter incident of '04. But like high school, Ty Detmer's time at BYU, Dixie College, and getting on a hot blonde chick every day for a year of my life, all good things must sometime come to an end. All catchphrases eventually expire because they wear out their welcome. Just look at the world of advertising: "Fake the funk on a nasty dunk" eventually died out, as did the "Where's the beef?" lady, "These aren't Folgers crystals," the Swedish bikini team, "I love you, man!" and "Hit hard! Hit Lee! Hit Lee in the nards!" Lee is no longer Goo. Dale is no longer the Dizzy Devil. I am now more Sledgehammer than Norm. Things change because times change. Even the Energize bunny has quit going. Just as Disco wore out its welcome in the '70s, Buttloaf has worn out its welcome now.
This is not a Dante' issue; it's a linguistic invitation. It's the invitation to replace the past with a more glorious future; it's an invitation to not let yesterday stagnate today and stall tomorrow.
Monday, April 16, 2007
Should "Buttloaf" be banned?
The deputy commissioner wants to impose a ban on the word "buttloaf" in the Finlympics headquarters. Would you favor or oppose the ban. Give reasons as to why or why not. Best reasons win medals.
Amber's curfew set at 7 p.m.
The Hungarian, the deputy commissioner, has set Amber's curfew at 7 p.m., after Amber did not come home until 2 a.m. Monday night.
"It was a school night too," said the Hungarian. "I never stayed out that late on a school night. I took my studies very seriously. And my 2.8 GPA speaks for itself, as does where I am in life."
Commissioner Vincent applauded the Hungarian's decision.
"Amber's life has been out of control ... for too long," he said. "Someone needed to intervene. I'm glad he helped her out."
For years, Amber has been rumored to have been hanging out with a tough crowd, the Jetettes.
"As she became more and more assimilated to the Jetette lifestyle, she became more and more self-absorbed, more abrasive, and less willing to show the Finlympian spirit that symbolizes excellence," Kun said. "This are unFinlympian traits, and she clearly needed to be reprimanded and redirected."
The Finlympics administrators hope that the curfew will help Amber break her drill team habit.
"It's really sad to see my girls into drill team," said Doris Finlinson, "I'd rather have them addicted to crack."
"It was a school night too," said the Hungarian. "I never stayed out that late on a school night. I took my studies very seriously. And my 2.8 GPA speaks for itself, as does where I am in life."
Commissioner Vincent applauded the Hungarian's decision.
"Amber's life has been out of control ... for too long," he said. "Someone needed to intervene. I'm glad he helped her out."
For years, Amber has been rumored to have been hanging out with a tough crowd, the Jetettes.
"As she became more and more assimilated to the Jetette lifestyle, she became more and more self-absorbed, more abrasive, and less willing to show the Finlympian spirit that symbolizes excellence," Kun said. "This are unFinlympian traits, and she clearly needed to be reprimanded and redirected."
The Finlympics administrators hope that the curfew will help Amber break her drill team habit.
"It's really sad to see my girls into drill team," said Doris Finlinson, "I'd rather have them addicted to crack."
Kun named interim deputy commissioner
Finlympics Headquarters
1 Finn Plaza
St. George, Utah
Thomas Kun, a.k.a. "The Hungarian," was named the interim deputy commissioner of the Finlympics while Brian Knell takes a two-year sabbatical.
Kun was chosen over Tammy Finlinson, the other finalist.
"Thomas assured me that his first order of business would be to go to Deseret Hills and ask Tammy be returned to the sixth grade for the remainder of this school year and all of next school year," said Norm. "Tammy did not share that same outlook. In fact, she seemed to think her straight-A's dictated that she should move on, but that is clearly an erroneous assumption at this point."
Kun, basking in his new position while sitting on the opulent blue couch at the Finlympic headquarters, texted many hot honeys to let them know of his new position.
"The girls dug the old deputy commish, and they'll dig the new one even mo'," said Kun.
Vincent applauded Kun's determination.
"This is what the Finlympics is all about: making connections, introducing people to steroids, and excluding people who tick us off," the commissioner said.
1 Finn Plaza
St. George, Utah
Thomas Kun, a.k.a. "The Hungarian," was named the interim deputy commissioner of the Finlympics while Brian Knell takes a two-year sabbatical.
Kun was chosen over Tammy Finlinson, the other finalist.
"Thomas assured me that his first order of business would be to go to Deseret Hills and ask Tammy be returned to the sixth grade for the remainder of this school year and all of next school year," said Norm. "Tammy did not share that same outlook. In fact, she seemed to think her straight-A's dictated that she should move on, but that is clearly an erroneous assumption at this point."
Kun, basking in his new position while sitting on the opulent blue couch at the Finlympic headquarters, texted many hot honeys to let them know of his new position.
"The girls dug the old deputy commish, and they'll dig the new one even mo'," said Kun.
Vincent applauded Kun's determination.
"This is what the Finlympics is all about: making connections, introducing people to steroids, and excluding people who tick us off," the commissioner said.
Bonds calls steroids a 'good investment'
Giving the opening speech for the Finlympics' steroids week, Barry Bonds told the Finlympians that steroids had been a "good investment for him."
"People think that the only thing I got out of steroids was a better home run total," Bonds said. "Not so. My bank account has also grown. I think I make almost $8 million more a year because I use steroids. And I only spend around $200,000 annually on steroids. You do the math. Where else can you get such a good return on your investment?"
Bonds said steroids have had no side effects on him.
"I was angry before, so 'roids rage is nothing abnormal for me," said the Giants' slugger.
"People think that the only thing I got out of steroids was a better home run total," Bonds said. "Not so. My bank account has also grown. I think I make almost $8 million more a year because I use steroids. And I only spend around $200,000 annually on steroids. You do the math. Where else can you get such a good return on your investment?"
Bonds said steroids have had no side effects on him.
"I was angry before, so 'roids rage is nothing abnormal for me," said the Giants' slugger.
Sunday, April 15, 2007
Why you weren't chosen
As with any position, those who don't get it wonder why and complain loudly that they weren't chosen for the post. So, after receiving some complaints, here's why you weren't selected as a finalist:
Amber: Honestly, you're life is falling apart. You are no longer a Jetette, so you've completely lost your identity. Yet you still have the Jetette attitude which makes you difficult to work with. And you have take English 0990, which raises a question whether you have the critical thinking skills to handle the job.
Crystal: You are very impressionable. And Nikelle's negative peer pressure is going to dramatically change your life. There's a high chance that if Nikelle gets into drugs, so will you. And with Nikelle's connections to SkyWest or HIGH WEST, it's probably like she'll begin using soon. Plus, you just became a Jetette, which means you will become increasingly difficult to work with.
That is all. For now.
Amber: Honestly, you're life is falling apart. You are no longer a Jetette, so you've completely lost your identity. Yet you still have the Jetette attitude which makes you difficult to work with. And you have take English 0990, which raises a question whether you have the critical thinking skills to handle the job.
Crystal: You are very impressionable. And Nikelle's negative peer pressure is going to dramatically change your life. There's a high chance that if Nikelle gets into drugs, so will you. And with Nikelle's connections to SkyWest or HIGH WEST, it's probably like she'll begin using soon. Plus, you just became a Jetette, which means you will become increasingly difficult to work with.
That is all. For now.
Finlympics to kick off steroids week
The Finlympics is the one sport that proudly embrace the contributions of steroids to the sporting world. To commemorate steroids and the way that have, for instance, made baseball much, much more watchable, the Finlympics organization has decided to name this week as Steroids Week.
On Monday, represents from the Bay Area Laboratory Co-op will be at the Finlympics to hand out free samples to Finlympians.
"I told BALCO leave the designer steroids behind," Commissioner Vincent said. "We want steroids showing up in our athletes' urine tests. I told the athletes, 'If you're not using steroids, then you're not really competing.'"
On Tuesday, Barry Bonds will address the Finlympians.
"I'm so glad that Barry and Mark (McGwire) started using steroids," Deputy Commissioner Brian Knell said. "I prefer my baseball with steroids."
On Wednesday, Jose Canseco will show up with free hypodermic needles and show Finlympians how to inject steroids.
"Without steroids, Jose Canseco never could have lifted a shovel, let alone hit around 400 home runs in the major leagues," said Lee Finlinson.
Lee is hoping his new use of steroids will enhance his home run totals. "Wes and I hope to become the new Bash Brothers," Lee said.
On Thursday, an unnamed assortment of the Hungarian's friends will inform Finlympians how to sneak illegal drugs into the country.
"I once had a friend get shot in the head by a drug dealer," the Hungarian said. "It was awesome."
On Friday, Microsoft and Dell team up to show Finlympians computer-generated images of how they would look after they have used steroids, and also will give Finlympians statistical analysis into how their stats will improve after they commence a steroid program.
On Saturday, the Finlympians will gather to share their first 'Roid Rage together.
"There will be a lot of angry Finlympians beating the crap out of each other," said Dante'. "It's gonna be awesome.
Andrew Spainhower can't wait for the week to begin.
"This week is going to be awesome," said Andrew Spainhower, a 98-pound weakling in desperate need of steroids.
Commissioner Vincent is also looking forward to the week.
"Steroids will give our competitions just the boost they need," Vincent said.
On Monday, represents from the Bay Area Laboratory Co-op will be at the Finlympics to hand out free samples to Finlympians.
"I told BALCO leave the designer steroids behind," Commissioner Vincent said. "We want steroids showing up in our athletes' urine tests. I told the athletes, 'If you're not using steroids, then you're not really competing.'"
On Tuesday, Barry Bonds will address the Finlympians.
"I'm so glad that Barry and Mark (McGwire) started using steroids," Deputy Commissioner Brian Knell said. "I prefer my baseball with steroids."
On Wednesday, Jose Canseco will show up with free hypodermic needles and show Finlympians how to inject steroids.
"Without steroids, Jose Canseco never could have lifted a shovel, let alone hit around 400 home runs in the major leagues," said Lee Finlinson.
Lee is hoping his new use of steroids will enhance his home run totals. "Wes and I hope to become the new Bash Brothers," Lee said.
On Thursday, an unnamed assortment of the Hungarian's friends will inform Finlympians how to sneak illegal drugs into the country.
"I once had a friend get shot in the head by a drug dealer," the Hungarian said. "It was awesome."
On Friday, Microsoft and Dell team up to show Finlympians computer-generated images of how they would look after they have used steroids, and also will give Finlympians statistical analysis into how their stats will improve after they commence a steroid program.
On Saturday, the Finlympians will gather to share their first 'Roid Rage together.
"There will be a lot of angry Finlympians beating the crap out of each other," said Dante'. "It's gonna be awesome.
Andrew Spainhower can't wait for the week to begin.
"This week is going to be awesome," said Andrew Spainhower, a 98-pound weakling in desperate need of steroids.
Commissioner Vincent is also looking forward to the week.
"Steroids will give our competitions just the boost they need," Vincent said.
Letter to the editor: Dale be smart more I than.
Deer editor,
Wy peephole thinks I dumm. I be smart more you than. I grattuated wit haunrs from Dicksie High Scrool. I besst sermics student ever. Donny make bong in sermics; I make somthing else. My pot not for pot; my pot show ardistic kree A thivity. I now smardest person in Organ. Keep tha ledders comming.
Love,
Dale
Wy peephole thinks I dumm. I be smart more you than. I grattuated wit haunrs from Dicksie High Scrool. I besst sermics student ever. Donny make bong in sermics; I make somthing else. My pot not for pot; my pot show ardistic kree A thivity. I now smardest person in Organ. Keep tha ledders comming.
Love,
Dale
Letter to the editor: Kun's tactics unnecessary
Dear Editor,
I am personally apalled by Thomas "The Hungarian" Kun's actions in the deputy commissioner race. He brings to the news conference, announcing him as a finalist for the job, an article that ran in commie-pinko, leftist rag that asserts Tammy needs to repeat the fifth grade. It's clear he is running a smear campaign. This is unacceptable. It is disgusting. And it has no place in a democratic election. I know I already said it, but I am apalled! And one day, Thomas will be bald.
That being said, if Thomas wishes to persist in bringing up slanderous, slightly-true stories about Tammy than I have a whole archive of everything Tammy has ever done wrong in her life. And I am willing to sell each story for $5 a piece.
Thank you. And keep on truckin'.
Sincerely,
Mallory Brown.
P.S. I think Lee gives a bad name to redheads
I am personally apalled by Thomas "The Hungarian" Kun's actions in the deputy commissioner race. He brings to the news conference, announcing him as a finalist for the job, an article that ran in commie-pinko, leftist rag that asserts Tammy needs to repeat the fifth grade. It's clear he is running a smear campaign. This is unacceptable. It is disgusting. And it has no place in a democratic election. I know I already said it, but I am apalled! And one day, Thomas will be bald.
That being said, if Thomas wishes to persist in bringing up slanderous, slightly-true stories about Tammy than I have a whole archive of everything Tammy has ever done wrong in her life. And I am willing to sell each story for $5 a piece.
Thank you. And keep on truckin'.
Sincerely,
Mallory Brown.
P.S. I think Lee gives a bad name to redheads
Tammy, Thomas named as finalists for deputy commissioner job
Finlympic Headquarters
1 Finn Plaza
St. George, Utah
ST. GEORGE -- The search to temporarily replace Brian Knell as deputy chairman of the Finlympics has been narrowed to Tammy Finlinson or Thomas Kun. But the chairman may still decide to not have a deputy commissioner during the time that Brian is on a mission.
"I really like the idea that Lee, who didn't want to be the No. 3 guy, if there was no No. 2 man, would now have to be the No. 3 guy because there is no No. 2 man," said Commissioner Vincent.
The chairman said Lee was eliminated from consideration because of his red hair.
"He just doesn't have the temperament for the position," the commissioner said.
But one of the finalists, Tammy Finlinsons, is also a redhead.
"She told me she was more of a strawberry blonde," said the commissioner. "I think other than, you know, a brunette, strawberry blonde is a good option. You get the fieriness of a redhead, but it is tempered somewhat because her blonde hair tells her to relax. You also get the fun, whimsical side of a blonde, but there is no ditziness because she's not a complete blonde. It's really a win-win; she would thrive in this position because of her hair color."
Norm said another reason why Tammy was chosen over Lee as a finalist is because she is a Finlinson.
When someone pointed out that Lee is also a Finlinson, the Commissioner said, "Well, in a technical sense, yes. But, really, what is a Finlinson? Is it a family? Or is it a lifestyle? Or is it an attitude? I'm more Finlinson than Lee will ever be."
When informed of Norm's comments, Lee said, "That's ridiculous. They would fire Don Imus for saying that kind of crap."
Norm countered, "That's true. But I'm not Don Imus. People love me."
So, besides strawberry blonde hair, what else does Tammy bring to the table?
"Tammy has finished the fifth grade ... maybe she's in seventh I can't remember," Norm said.
But Thomas, the other candidate, has graduated from high school.
"Yeah, but, honestly, they give those out to anyone," the commissioner said. "I mean, Dale got one. Look at this way; who's better educated: the girl who has studied and studied and studied and has outstanding grades but has only finished the fifth grade, or the guy who never studied and only went to school to hit on Lexi Rich and only graduated because it was time for him to get out of high school? Really, which one is smarter?"
The commissioner added, "I think Tammy has the potential to be the smartest Finlinson since me, or, in a more technical sense, Brandon."
So could Tammy beat Norm in an intelligence contest in, say, 20 years.
"Whoa, whoa, whoa! Let's not get crazy," Norm said.
"That's total bullmahonkey," Tammy said.
Tammy's use of the bullmahonkey triggered a thought in Thomas' Hungarian brain.
"Wait," said the Hungarian. "Isn't the main job of the deputy commissioner to make sure Tammy repeats the sixth grade."
And then the Hungarian displayed a printout from an article written on finlympics.com that announced Knell's ascension to the role of deputy chairman. From that article, we now quote:
"Knell's ascension to the deputy commissioner role comes during a precarious time in the FOC's history. Amber has just been re-banned for comments she made to the press this week; Dale is leaving on a mission; and Tammy is in the seventh grade.
"'These are troubling issues,' Knell said.
"Knell will have no role in the disciplinary actions that the commissioner's office takes, but he will likely contact Deseret Hills Intermediate School about having Tammy repeat the sixth grade.
"'This is total bullmahonkey,' said Tammy.
"'That's just not seventh-grade vocabulary,' said Knell." Article reference: Hammer, Sledge. (2007, February 18). Knell to be named deputy chairman. The Finlympics Blog.
"How can Tammy be deputy commissioner when the prime responsibility is to have her earn her education?" the Hungarian asked.
"Who better than Tammy to ensure that she gets educated?" said Norm, adding that he only said she had a fifth grade education, which is why she'll have to repeat the sixth grade.
"I didn't have to repeat the sixth grade," the Hungarian said.
"That's because you didn't speak English," said Tammy. "If you said, 'I ... go ... bathroom,' they were so pleased you had learned the phrase, they passed you -- they didn't even care about the mess you left on your desk."
"It's not my fault; I didn't know what a toilet was until I was in the ninth grade," said Kun.
Fortunately, for Kun, the worst-smelling thing in the room was always Dale's farts.
So what qualifies Thomas for the position?
"Well, first of all, he's a brunette," said the commissioner, "so he has a good outlook on life but he's also a go-getter; he gets things done. But he also has blonde streaks, so you know he's a fun personality."
Norm added that being a foreigner helps Kun's chances.
"We try to be inclusive," said the commissioner, "except of freckled redheads named Lee. That's just icky."
The foreigner angle also works against him.
"It's clear he doesn't understand English very well," said Vincent. "I mean, he works at a place called the Cosmopolitan, yet it's located in Silver Reef. What's cosmopolitan about Silver Reef? And I hear that job is so easy Lee could do it. Plus, we know from the documentary "Borat," that Eastern Europeans are a sedicious, wild, uncouth and unrefined people, prone to debasing behaviors. High five! And we also know the Hungarian brain is not as developed as the American brain."
In a thick accent and broken English, the Hungarian countered that last point, "If American brain so much than Hungarian, then why Dante' an' Da-ale in stupid condesd," he said. "Me no in stupid kun-thest. I smart. Er. Dan those two dume Ises."
"That's mot saying much," interjected Tammy.
Here, Crystal jumped in, "That's mot saying much? Is that what you just said? Wow, you do need to repeat the sixth grade."
No timetable has been set for a decision.
"But Lee is still a bronze biotch," said Norm.
1 Finn Plaza
St. George, Utah
ST. GEORGE -- The search to temporarily replace Brian Knell as deputy chairman of the Finlympics has been narrowed to Tammy Finlinson or Thomas Kun. But the chairman may still decide to not have a deputy commissioner during the time that Brian is on a mission.
"I really like the idea that Lee, who didn't want to be the No. 3 guy, if there was no No. 2 man, would now have to be the No. 3 guy because there is no No. 2 man," said Commissioner Vincent.
The chairman said Lee was eliminated from consideration because of his red hair.
"He just doesn't have the temperament for the position," the commissioner said.
But one of the finalists, Tammy Finlinsons, is also a redhead.
"She told me she was more of a strawberry blonde," said the commissioner. "I think other than, you know, a brunette, strawberry blonde is a good option. You get the fieriness of a redhead, but it is tempered somewhat because her blonde hair tells her to relax. You also get the fun, whimsical side of a blonde, but there is no ditziness because she's not a complete blonde. It's really a win-win; she would thrive in this position because of her hair color."
Norm said another reason why Tammy was chosen over Lee as a finalist is because she is a Finlinson.
When someone pointed out that Lee is also a Finlinson, the Commissioner said, "Well, in a technical sense, yes. But, really, what is a Finlinson? Is it a family? Or is it a lifestyle? Or is it an attitude? I'm more Finlinson than Lee will ever be."
When informed of Norm's comments, Lee said, "That's ridiculous. They would fire Don Imus for saying that kind of crap."
Norm countered, "That's true. But I'm not Don Imus. People love me."
So, besides strawberry blonde hair, what else does Tammy bring to the table?
"Tammy has finished the fifth grade ... maybe she's in seventh I can't remember," Norm said.
But Thomas, the other candidate, has graduated from high school.
"Yeah, but, honestly, they give those out to anyone," the commissioner said. "I mean, Dale got one. Look at this way; who's better educated: the girl who has studied and studied and studied and has outstanding grades but has only finished the fifth grade, or the guy who never studied and only went to school to hit on Lexi Rich and only graduated because it was time for him to get out of high school? Really, which one is smarter?"
The commissioner added, "I think Tammy has the potential to be the smartest Finlinson since me, or, in a more technical sense, Brandon."
So could Tammy beat Norm in an intelligence contest in, say, 20 years.
"Whoa, whoa, whoa! Let's not get crazy," Norm said.
"That's total bullmahonkey," Tammy said.
Tammy's use of the bullmahonkey triggered a thought in Thomas' Hungarian brain.
"Wait," said the Hungarian. "Isn't the main job of the deputy commissioner to make sure Tammy repeats the sixth grade."
And then the Hungarian displayed a printout from an article written on finlympics.com that announced Knell's ascension to the role of deputy chairman. From that article, we now quote:
"Knell's ascension to the deputy commissioner role comes during a precarious time in the FOC's history. Amber has just been re-banned for comments she made to the press this week; Dale is leaving on a mission; and Tammy is in the seventh grade.
"'These are troubling issues,' Knell said.
"Knell will have no role in the disciplinary actions that the commissioner's office takes, but he will likely contact Deseret Hills Intermediate School about having Tammy repeat the sixth grade.
"'This is total bullmahonkey,' said Tammy.
"'That's just not seventh-grade vocabulary,' said Knell." Article reference: Hammer, Sledge. (2007, February 18). Knell to be named deputy chairman. The Finlympics Blog.
"How can Tammy be deputy commissioner when the prime responsibility is to have her earn her education?" the Hungarian asked.
"Who better than Tammy to ensure that she gets educated?" said Norm, adding that he only said she had a fifth grade education, which is why she'll have to repeat the sixth grade.
"I didn't have to repeat the sixth grade," the Hungarian said.
"That's because you didn't speak English," said Tammy. "If you said, 'I ... go ... bathroom,' they were so pleased you had learned the phrase, they passed you -- they didn't even care about the mess you left on your desk."
"It's not my fault; I didn't know what a toilet was until I was in the ninth grade," said Kun.
Fortunately, for Kun, the worst-smelling thing in the room was always Dale's farts.
So what qualifies Thomas for the position?
"Well, first of all, he's a brunette," said the commissioner, "so he has a good outlook on life but he's also a go-getter; he gets things done. But he also has blonde streaks, so you know he's a fun personality."
Norm added that being a foreigner helps Kun's chances.
"We try to be inclusive," said the commissioner, "except of freckled redheads named Lee. That's just icky."
The foreigner angle also works against him.
"It's clear he doesn't understand English very well," said Vincent. "I mean, he works at a place called the Cosmopolitan, yet it's located in Silver Reef. What's cosmopolitan about Silver Reef? And I hear that job is so easy Lee could do it. Plus, we know from the documentary "Borat," that Eastern Europeans are a sedicious, wild, uncouth and unrefined people, prone to debasing behaviors. High five! And we also know the Hungarian brain is not as developed as the American brain."
In a thick accent and broken English, the Hungarian countered that last point, "If American brain so much than Hungarian, then why Dante' an' Da-ale in stupid condesd," he said. "Me no in stupid kun-thest. I smart. Er. Dan those two dume Ises."
"That's mot saying much," interjected Tammy.
Here, Crystal jumped in, "That's mot saying much? Is that what you just said? Wow, you do need to repeat the sixth grade."
No timetable has been set for a decision.
"But Lee is still a bronze biotch," said Norm.
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